Break Down

I had a break down at my Overeater's Anonymous meeting today. It's so weird to be around so many people who share my story. I'm cautious to share anyone else's story, even without their name attached to it, because it's not mine to share. Anonymity is a critical part of the program. I'm genuinely trying to only share my personal reflections. Anyway, today someone told a story about eating while babysitting. Many people laughed and said they'd done it too. I totally remember, when the kids weren't watching, or after they'd gone to bed, raiding the kitchen. I was very careful to not take more than would be noticed (although sometimes I couldn't help myself). I would try and put the packages back exactly where I'd found them. How crazy is that. At OA they call compulsive eating a disease. I don't like the wording, but it's I definitely interact with food differently than many people.

It was weird sitting in the meeting, seeing so many people who look normal, and seem calm share how they're (or were) crazy like me. When it was my turn to share, I just broke down. I can't imagine really not being crazy like this. I can't imagine my world not revolving around food. I can't imagine anything but the facade of calm.

I want to be skinny, I really do. I want to look great. I want to be able to pull my knees to my chest without my stomach getting in the way. But I also just want to love me and accept me for who I am. I just want to not be crazy. I want to be calm.

I'm hopeful that this is perhaps a step... perhaps not being so perky and over-energetic about the process is good.