Break Down

I had a break down at my Overeater's Anonymous meeting today. It's so weird to be around so many people who share my story. I'm cautious to share anyone else's story, even without their name attached to it, because it's not mine to share. Anonymity is a critical part of the program. I'm genuinely trying to only share my personal reflections. Anyway, today someone told a story about eating while babysitting. Many people laughed and said they'd done it too. I totally remember, when the kids weren't watching, or after they'd gone to bed, raiding the kitchen. I was very careful to not take more than would be noticed (although sometimes I couldn't help myself). I would try and put the packages back exactly where I'd found them. How crazy is that. At OA they call compulsive eating a disease. I don't like the wording, but it's I definitely interact with food differently than many people.

It was weird sitting in the meeting, seeing so many people who look normal, and seem calm share how they're (or were) crazy like me. When it was my turn to share, I just broke down. I can't imagine really not being crazy like this. I can't imagine my world not revolving around food. I can't imagine anything but the facade of calm.

I want to be skinny, I really do. I want to look great. I want to be able to pull my knees to my chest without my stomach getting in the way. But I also just want to love me and accept me for who I am. I just want to not be crazy. I want to be calm.

I'm hopeful that this is perhaps a step... perhaps not being so perky and over-energetic about the process is good.

Pizza anyone

Last night we ordered pizza. At dinner I did great. I only had one slice. I felt great. A couple hours after dinner though I just ent in and ate 2 more slices. Granted I made myself eat some cottage cheese (protein) in between. It's just sooooo much easier to breath when I eat. It makes me relax. It gives me more energy. I've been tired lately. I've been napping all over the place. I think it's because I'm not used to not having the caffein rush in cooperation with a gross amount of carbs. Maybe that's how I'm superwoman. It'll take some time to get over that. Last night I just needed a break. I just needed to relax. It was the only way I knew how. I ignored all thought to look to my higher power. I just had to relax.

On another note, I went to a new aerobics class today (I'm finally getting the hang of cardio light so I thought I'd add a new one). There were 2 other people who were new to the class as well. Both of them had other people in the class introduce themselves after class. No one came up to me. I wonder if it's because I'm fat? Does my being fat make people uncomfortable?

I heard a thing on the radio the other day that was some guy "giving a big FU" to fat people because there are plenty of supplements, gyms.... that we have no excuse for being fat. I want to give a big FU to him. Yes, I'm choosing to be this way. Moron. If other people are thinking like that on at least a subconscious level then I probably do make people uncomfortable because I'm fat. Maybe this is why I so often feel awkward with my peers. I'm great with people who look up to me and such, but when it comes to peers and many friends, I just get stupid. I don't know what to talk about other than myself. it's very strange. Maybe they're feeling awkward, and I'm picking up on that and then feeling awkward too.

Finding New Fattie Blogs to Inspire Me

I love this! It's a new blog I'm reading's philosophy:

HIS BLOG"S PHILOSOPHY

You are the hero of your own story.

~ Believe in the power of your tale. Step on the glorious path to your true self. Choose your allies with care, then be loyal. Stand before your enemies with courage and stamina. Bow humbly before your King. Listen to the wise counsel of the land's sages, and heed their advice. Whisper your wishes to the wind, for Heaven hears the cry of your heart. Slay the great dread dragons mercilessly, if they refuse to join the cause or leave the kingdom peacefully. Some things can't be accepted in moderation.
~Kiss your prince or princess. Celebrate each day closer to that happy ending with a great big hug. Then share a healthful low-calorie supper with sparkling water to sip, and finish up with ripe berries for dessert. Well, even heroes can't eat everything they want, you know?
~ The ending of this story of your life is up to you.

It's a choice

In my notions of Living Well, I must remember that this is my choice. I am not a victim. I've been a victim before, but I'm taking control of my life now. These are all my choices. They're what I choose to be. I am not a victim. I will not feel self pity because I'm not pigging out. Life's about more than food, having control of my life is reason to celebrate and feel proud.

I Don't Know is okay

One more things I don't want to forget. My therapist said that it's okay to slow down and have, "I don't know" as an answer. This is a freeing thought. It also pairs nicely with the idea that everything's okay.

2nd Draft of my "Live Well" plan

Lifestyle:
If I wake up naturally, stay up
Budget for 7 hrs of sleep
Exercise 5-6 day/week min

Mental
Everything is okay
Be gentle- Mistakes happen, move on and up

Food Plan
Eat when I'm hungry
Don't eat carbs/sugar alone, always partner with a protein
Eat MORE fruits and vegetables
Explore more beans (good starch/protein)
Drink milk at dinner
No buying diet coke
Drink water when you're thirsty

Core Self

My therapist (that's new too) yesterday talked about the idea of the "core self." He referenced a theory (that I can't remember) that used the metaphor of each person having a core self, and then many parts. The core self, is what I connect in overeaters anonymous to God's will. The core of you knows your path. Then there's all theses other parts. Sometimes to parts end up dominating things (for whatever reason). He wants to help me untangle everything so that I can be more guided by my core self, and not my all the parts. This all sounds so nice. But it's hard when it comes down to practice. I'm still processing it.
'

Tired

I'm tired already. I'm worried that I'm taking on too much change. That said, I still believe I'm doing the right thing. Regardless, I'm tired. I'm to the point where my theory's got to start going into practice. I've got to start aggressively living the way I want. I guess I kind of have. I have been implementing my living well plan, I've just been kind of wading in. That's probably better.

On of the big principles we've discussed in Overeaters Anonymous is putting yourself in God's hands. To me, what that means is KNOWING (which I do) that everything's okay. Even when it's not okay, it is. Things always fall into place. There's rarely a benefit to fussing and fuming. I'm okay with that. I don't always remember it, but I get it. What's hard is then using that understanding to control your eating. You have to ask God to help you. It's hard, but I'm trying. Someone said today they've never had the faith first, they always just took the action not sure what the outcome would be. I think I'm more at that level, I'm willing to put my faith in someone else's plan.

I'm reluctant to share this, I don't want to jinx it, but I'm down 3 pounds this week! I know it's not all about my weight. It's about Living Well, it's about a lifestyle change. It's about choosing what I want in my life, and not just taking the path of least resistance. That said, my weight is the most obvious reminder that parts of my life are out of control.

1st Try at my "Live Well" plan

This is a work in progress. I'm putting all my thoughts in regardless of priority. That'll come later.

Lifestyle:
Don't go back to bed after my body wakes up- once I'm up, I'm up.
Get at least 7 hours of sleep under normal circumstances
If I can't get to the gym at least go for a walk (5-6 day/week min)

Mental
Trust that it's ok, because it is (even when it isn't- it is)
Be gentle on my soul- Mistakes happen, move on and up

Food Plan
Eat when I'm hungry
Don't eat carbs/sugar alone, always partner with a protein
Eat MORE fruits and vegetables (not just with dinner)
Explore more beans (good starch/protein)
Drink milk at dinner
No buying diet coke (by the glass or bottle)
Drink water

Another class

Today I tried "Cardio Lite" it wasn't that "lite" my muscles were definitely burning! Tomorrow I'm trying "Dancing Sneakers." I'm pretty excited about it. I danced in high school, and really loved it. I also did a fair amount of weed eating today, I think my muscles are sore from that as well! I feel like I'm making progress. I'm not sitting around thinking about a plan to make myself better, I'm just going and doing it. When I feel shy, fat, insecure... I just buck up and do it anyway. I think this is an instance where "fake it till you make it" applies. If I just keep going through the motions, I'll eventually be comfortable!

Change is Hard

This week started so strong. I think I started too strong. By the end of the week I was simply tired. I'm starting lots of changes, ZenHabits says you shouldn't try to change too many things at once, but I think that's the only way I can do it. I think the old saying, "know thyself" is more applicable here. I've got to just do all the things I'm thinking about. I can't wait around until the time is right. ZenHabits also says to hold yourself accountable, so that's what I'm doing here. Holding myself accountable. Following is a list of my thoughts/actions so far this week:
*Attended 2 OA meetings. They were both very insightful. The second meeting was one where people celebrated how long they'd been on their program. It was so helpful to see what progress looked like. It didn't look perfect. The people still had issues to work through. It was still a struggle. I've always pictured my life being struggle-free at some point. I think that's an unrealistic goal, and I need to revamp my thinking.
*I've thought a lot about the OA process. It's hard. The first thing you have to do is admit that you're powerless over your weight. That's a hard idea to wrap my brain around. I talked with a friend, she explained that it's more like you're powerless alone, which it why you're seeking support. It's true. I've struggled with my weight since 3rd grade. I've never been truly successful. My responses to food are different from a "normal" person. I do need support.
*I've got to make a list of "living well" rules for myself. In OA they call this "abstinence" but I don't like that wording. I have to find the things in my life (mostly food and food habits) that are causing me to fail. I also have to find what will support my success. Then I put these things together and decide to stick to it. When I feel like I can't stick to it, I'll reach out. My hope is to spend my summer pulling these things together. I think the first thing on my list is getting rid of Diet Coke once and for all. Anything that I want that frequently can't be good for me.
*I wen to see my Dr. to have some lab work done. This will be good baseline data. He wants to see me at the end of the summer as well for a follow up. He also is going to try and get me into a nutritionist through my insurance. I think that could really help me with trigger foods.